The scene opens with two Greys, Vanilla and Blondie, sitting on a platform above two humans, Al Aphid and Sal Manila. The Greys are sucking on large straws that they have inserted into the brains of the humans. The humans are uninjured but nervously discussing the chances for their rescue. The Greys do not seem concerned about this.
Blondie: Most delicious brain juice. I do so like the brain juice of middle-aged males. Lots of craaaaap in there, Vanillaaah.
Vanilla: Yes, Blondieeeee, I concur. [heavy slurping sounds] Really delicious!
Al: I mean, it won’t take our wives a lot of time to figure out that we’re gone. They’ll come get us. It won’t be long now!
Al pulls out his cellphone and checks for messages. The only one he has informs him that he needs to buy more minutes. He puts his phone back in his pocket with a sigh.
Sal: Listen, Al, we’re finished! They replaced us with something they call attendroids. If what I overheard our friends up there say is true. We are goners.
Al: Attendroids, what are they? There is no way any alien, I don’t care how smart, can make an exact copy of us so that our wives can’t tell! Think about it, our wives know everything about us. Every disturbing little detail, they will be able to tell these ‘attendroids’ are fakes in no time. Then they will come get us, or call the air force, or ghost busters, or something. You’ll see, can’t fool someone who has been married for over twenty years!
Sal: Well, Al, I think that is the problem. If what I heard our alien friends talking about is correct, attendroids don’t have to pretend to be anybody. They are just an exact physical duplicate, with certain enhanced abilities, and they don’t need to know very much about us at all!
Al: See, that is how our wives will figure it out! The attendroid won’t remember the time I tripped over the couple at the beach and sprained my ankle, and had to be helped to the car whimpering…or the time that I belched at my daughter’s graduation and everyone in the crowd turned around and looked at me. My wife never lets me forget these moments…and the attendroids won’t have those memories…so you see, it is only a matter of time until we are rescued…by the coast guard or space guard or something…
Sal: Now listen to me, Al, they won’t remember a thing, you are right, but attendroids, this is what Vanilla surprise was laughing about, attendroids are very sensitive to humans. They sense whatever it is a human wants and they respond accordingly. They have enhanced abilities…all sorts of stuff. Do you think your wife, Salteena, is going to be walking down your uncoordinated and gaseous memory lane with that kind of unit around?
Sal, with an ironic smile plastered across his face, gives Al a questioning look. All of a sudden, it hits Al and an expression of supreme horror spreads across his face.
Vanilla: Oh, Blondieeeeee, I love the fear juice the best!
Blondie: Uh-ha, uh-ha, Vanillaaaah! Yum, yum!
Meanwhile dinner is finishing at Al’s house. Salteena is sitting with Ritzy enjoying an after dinner cup of java.
Salteena: Thanks for making dinner, Al. When you are finished with the dishes, could you take the trash out? Oh, but first, Ritzy and I need a warm up!
Al the attendroid: Yes, Salt..ee..na, hon..eeeeey.
Ritzy: Al is such a darling! I really should be going, though, Sal is fixing our roof and then he is going to help me clean the house. Ah, hell, I might as well just let him do that all by himself, too.
They sip their coffee with big smiles on their faces.
Ritzy: …and then we will probably make it an early evening. [a sly smile comes over her face] We have been having a lot of those lately.
Salteena: Don’t I know it…whatever was in that water down there in Roswell, they should bottle it! I mean those guys can believe in their silly aliens if they want to. Al said he would show his appreciation if we went on a visit to ‘alien country’ but I had no idea he meant it!
Ritzy: Oh, tell me about it, Sal is a changed man. All this believing in aliens stuff. You’d think someone had sucked their brains out! Well, if it makes them happy…
Salteena: Hey, Ritzy, you don’t think that night in Roswell when we saw the lights in the desert… and the guys pulled over and ran off into the night…and we were so worried because they didn’t come back for what an hour…or two, and then that hovering UFO which lit up the whole car… and kind of beamed us and froze our brains…and then Al and Sal showed up and they were like “What space ship?”….and then close encounters of the “La di dah!” kind all night back at the hotel. I mean, you don’t think anything weird happened, do you?
Sal has arrived while they were talking. He is staring at them through the dining room window.
Sal the attendroid: I am ready for an early ev..ven..ing…ha…ha…Rit..zeeee.
Ritzy: [with a big smile on her face gets up to go]: The way I see it, they got the ultimate alien adventure and we got our just deserts. Yum!
Ritzy slaps her side and leaves, cackling madly. When she gets outside, Sal the attendroid picks her up and carries her off toward their house.
Copyright © Jason Sullivan 2012