by Jason Sullivan
The immense glowing spheres slid into place above all the most important horse farms of the world. The spheres were making a strange humming noise. It sounded like Yankee Doodle, or was it Oh Susanna, or could they be whistling Dixie? Nah! The people of the world stood in awe. Who or what was inside these enormous spaceships that had appeared above their horse farms so suddenly? Could it be an army of ugly reptiles disguised as beautiful humanoids? Or could it be an army of ugly humanoids disguised as beautiful reptiles?
Many humans lined up to get on the ships and be taken away to a distant galaxy. “Eh, what are you doing?” boomed from the spaceships.
“We are coming with you, oh Great Ones!” chanted the humans.
“No, I don’t think so,” was the response from within the glowing spheres, and the spaceships pulled back a little.
On the third night, at 3 am, the request came (It was 3 am all over the world, the aliens knew how to bend time and they wanted to keep the humans groggy and in the dark).
“Okay, up and at ‘em! Everyone out of bed!” came screaming from the spaceships, together with the sound of a thousand bells ringing.
The humans scrambled out of their beds, wearing all manner of pajamas, and hot footed it outside. Was this the end of the world? When all but the very deepest of sleepers (some people can sleep through anything) had assembled, the aliens made their demands known. “We have come for the most precious substance in the universe. Our people have grown weak in its absence, our world withers without its presence, and our spaceships aren’t driving so great either. So, come on, fork it over!”
The humans all across the world didn’t know what the aliens were talking about. They kind of shuffled around and looked at each other. Finally a Texan, in a mighty big ten gallon hat, stepped forward, “Ah shucks, we’ll get the oil for ya. I mean, it’s not worth destroying the world over—“
“WE DON’T WANT YOUR OIL!” said the aliens.
There was a nervous silence until a New York banker stepped forward, “I will make the necessary arrangements to have the world’s gold supply handed over—“
“DO WE LOOK LIKE BANK ROBBERS?” questioned the aliens.
The humans were getting a little nervous. What could these enigmatic beings in humongous threatening spaceships possibly want? A young lady stepped forth from the crowd with a smug “I’ve figured it out” look on her face. “Oh Great Ones, I know what the most precious of all substances is, but we can only give you half, for we need water—“
“NOPE! NOT THIRSTY!” was the reply.
Now everyone was getting quite concerned. What if they didn’t have what the aliens wanted? Would the aliens experience interstellar space rage and destroy the world? Then the horses started to neigh very loudly, “ Chhhooocooollllaaatte….chhhhooooocccooooollllaaatttte…chhooccccooollllaaatte.”
Someone said, “Chocolate…could the horses be saying chocolate?”
“BINGO!” echoed down from above.
A Mayan wise man whispered to the guy next to him, “Yeah, last time they were here they took off with 2012 pounds of the stuff!”
The aliens continued, “We kindly request, i.e. DEMAND, that you gather all your world’s chocolate and place it in the designated loading areas so that we may pick it up PRONTO and be on our way.”
Humanity was bummed, like mega depressed. Anything but the chocolate! The world leaders, for once feeling their cacao beans, yelled back defiantly and in unison, “No!”
The aliens paused for a moment. They knew all too well that no alien civilization ever wanted to give up their chocolate. “What exactly do you mean by ‘no’?” the aliens inquired ominously.
Nobody could come up with a thing.
“Prepare to be annihilated!”
Just then a little boy stepped forward. “Ah, excuse me, kind aliens, what our leaders meant to say is that, no, you can’t have our chocolate because we don’t have any. Funny thing really, third time this millennium aliens have come looking for chocolate. You see there is another planet called Firth, looks just like Earth, which has a lot of chocolate. An easy mistake really, you just got the wrong planet! If you take a left at Jupiter and then go straight for a few million light years, you can’t miss it! Don’t rush, they should have plenty.”
Light beams lit up the small boy and a voice from the spaceships asked, “Scouts honor?”
It was then that the boy noticed a piece of foil, barely sticking out of his bathrobe pocket, but shining like the sun under all the lights. It was the wrapper to his candy bar! He quickly pushed it back into his pocket.
And humanity waited.
“Okay, we’re outta here. Horses only intelligent beings down there anyway,” said the aliens as they left.
And thus September 2nd became “Defend Our Chocolate from Aliens Day.”
©Copyright 2011 Jason Sullivan
*Learn a little bit more about chocolate.